I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
