Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Vodka?
Forever.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
