Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
