just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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