I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
