I could have mohawked her pubes.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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