need another drink. this is the easiest way
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
