Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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