a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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