Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize