I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
