I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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