Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize