At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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