Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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