u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
