She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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