You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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