I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
