I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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