as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize