She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
