That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize