If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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