here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
