Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
