party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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