If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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