drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
this is an emotional support booty call
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
