She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize