sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
