I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
