i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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