she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
