My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
