Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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