I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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