Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Randomize
