I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I have tasted many bathrooms
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
