I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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