after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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