I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
