I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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