You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
