i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
