I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize