I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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