i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Someone signed my nipple.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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