my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
