based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
