What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
