I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
