I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
