Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
