Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
