I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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