I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
