I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
