I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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