i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
