Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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