i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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