Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
